Tag Archives: children

Relationship with our children

From the first kick to the date of birth, we mothers have already developed a relationship with our babies, infact our relationship dates far back than the first kick.  Then at birth a different type of relationship is cultivated, one where the mothers give and give more of their time, a part of their body and tireless dedication to their babies. There are mothers and there are real mothers, for it is not  that difficult to become a mother but it is most difficult to be a good mother, a selfless mother who puts the need of her children before hers. I have a little confession to make here, before I became a mother, I did not really and fully grasp  the sacrifice, the hard work  and the enormous dedication in child bringing, that hurdle that a good mother must pass every time she  has a baby and as such I could not comprehensively  appreciate the role of mothers in the world at large. But now I sing a different tune, I see a different story, mothers could be domineering, annoying at times but its all for a reason, they are wired that way by  God. They are made to protect their children and in their eyes their children are always babies no matter how big or how well established that child is.

Despite the perseverance and the sacrifice made at the inception of life for a baby what matters at the end is the relationship that has been nurtured with the child. If a mother pushes her child away by her actions, utterances or the fact that she is unapproachable, no matter how many times she may scream and shout “I am your mother” “I carried you in my womb for 9 months” “I spent sleepless nights for you” It only fades away in the child’s memory or it all means nothing to the child because the relationship was never there in the first place, hence the constant fight.

It might be very difficult, children are bound to annoy their mothers and fathers or even hurt their Parents one way or the other but mothers should never shut the door to the relationship which was developed naturally at the inception of the child. Men do not get me wrong, you too can always develop a relationship with your baby at inception, I remember that my Husband towed that path by always talking to our daughter while she was in the womb.

Sometimes as I recall, he would say “shhhh” I am talking to my child. Many men can adopt this approach and also spend sleepless nights alongside their wives in other to cultivate a long, lasting and healthy relationship with their children despite the fact that they are not really wired for “vigil with babies”  as I so fondly call it.



Is a Prenuptial agreement indispensable in marriage?

Can we imagine for a moment what marriage would look like if a prenuptial agreement was one of the pre-conditions to getting married? Well, I imagine marriage would turn into a full time business venture. I had this chat with a colleague who seems to be of the strong opinion that couples should sign a prenuptial before getting married. I strongly opposed this view because on the main fact that it would destroy the essence of marriage. I am a strong in the fact that marriage is a shot in the dark and once we introduce the idea of prenuptial agreements the essence of marriage will be defeated as people would be going into it with the option of backing out at any point in time. In fact, marriage would be like dating where you can walk in or out at any given point in time. My colleague was of the opinion that a prenuptial agreement is like insurance and that as human beings we all take up insurance policies not because we pray for bad things to happen but to kind of help us when they do happen. However, I think prenuptial agreements are mostly signed by people with low self-esteem, who feel they are incapable of being loved for who they are but are rather loved for their achievements or their status in the society. Yeah! It is also meant for rich people who basically see marriage as another business deal or rich people who are insane enough to marry a gold digger. Prenuptial agreement destroy the romance, it makes marriage look like it’s all about the money and not the feeling of wanting to be with each other. It gives marriage an ugly look and worst of all it destroys trust. To my mind’s eye, signing a prenuptial agreement means the marriage will not last for a life time because one person will walk out of it.  More so, a prenuptial agreement can be nullified where all assets were not disclosed, where there’s fraud, duress, lack of representation of one of the parties at the time of signing the agreement.

It is against this backdrop that I pondered and wondered why people even go through the bother of signing a prenuptial agreement, and then I realized that most couples that sign a prenuptial agreement may be trying to protect their business assets accumulated before marriage. Further, a prenuptial agreement ensures that financial issues are laid bare on the table as well as it preserves family inheritance; protects children of other marriages; apportions assets to children and other family members in the event of death; and in the event of divorce it extinguishes the fight for finances and assets. Surprisingly, prenuptial agreements also protect properties in the marriage in the event of bankruptcy.

It must be pointed out that initially a prenuptial agreement was entered to protect the woman especially in the United States before the Married Women’s Property Act 1884 became law due to the fact that everything a woman owned or inherited was transferred to her husband upon marriage and in the event of death or divorce she could lose everything.  Additionally, in some countries even historically prenuptial agreements have never been legally binding. African countries can be counted amongst the countries that do not accord legal recognition to prenuptial agreements. However, the waters can be tested if couples enter into such an agreement before marriage and in the event of divorce tender it to make it easier for the Judge to decide on the distribution of the properties, maintenance of the woman and the custody of the children. Perhaps, this could lead to faster dispensation of justice as well as reduce the length of divorce trials.

My final word remains this: the prenuptial agreement is dispensable in marriages because it destroys the essence of marriage, because marriage is a contract for which the consideration is ‘love’.  It strips the couples of trust and brings distrust in its stead, but looking at real world and the number of divorce that rocks marriages it is best for everybody to know the pros and cons of prenuptial agreements while working hard to preserve the sanctity of marriage which is love, perseverance and mutual respect.


Relationship with your Parents: Father

Everybody has an origin, we all came from somewhere from someone, we all have family trees even though they may not be visible like the ones we see in novels or movies because nobody has taken out time to draw the tree. But it is written somewhere, perhaps in the memories of your ancestors. Thus, we do have a relationship with our parents and this section shall be focusing on our Father. Have you ever wondered why children from single moms are always passionate about knowing more about their dad? Well, everybody wants to know who that special man that was responsible for their birth is. It’s not a big deal for some who were fortunate to have two parents.
Do you know that despite the biblical command that we should honour our parents and our days shall be longer, people still have problems with their parents? Some children find it difficult to have a cordial conversation with their parents without turning it into a squabble. We all know that there’s the usual teenage syndrome when teenagers believe more in their peers than in their parents, confide more in their peers than in their parents and see their parents as the enemies and their peers as their allies. Apart, from the famous ‘teenage syndrome’ some children grow up disliking their father, maybe because he was a drunk and never provided for the family and as a result they fail to see the need to respect him or his usefulness in their lives.
On a brighter note some people have a very good relationship with their father, he is their role model and he can never do wrong in their sight. Infact, they see him as some sort of ‘Angel’ who is perfect. So, what’s your relationship with your father like?
There’s a category of children who harbours some sort of fear of their father, because he is seen as an authority and a disciplinarian. They grow up having never known the man behind the discipline and authority. Actually, they are even incapable of expressing their feelings to their father, because he never used words like ‘I love you’, ‘I care about you’, ‘I miss you’, ‘My angel’ all he ever said to them was give commands on what should be done and how it should be done. Further, there are fathers out there who are so controlling that they want to control all aspects of their children’s life starting from the career path they should follow, the type of church they must always attend, the grades they must always make in school, to the type of family they should be married into. What of the type of father who does not care about the wellbeing of his children who is simply self centered and consumed in himself. It is nearly impossible to develop a relationship with such a father because the child must have been a victim of abuse from such a father. So, the only type of relationship the child can have at some point after loathing is forgiveness.